“Communication is to relationships what breath is to life” – Virginia Satir

Healthy Sexuality

Good sex is one of the key elements of a healthy relationship, because emotional and sexual intimacy are necessary to sustain other aspects of the relationship. The quality of what happens in the bedroom, depends largely on the quality of what happens outside of the bedroom and visa-versa.

Sex is supposed to be one of the supreme joys of life, so when it doesn’t go right, it can be devastating. You might feel ashamed, discouraged, and defeated. Of course, you can try to ignore your sexual feelings and say to yourself, “Sex really isn’t that important.” For some people it may not be. They compensate by throwing themselves into other activities, such as work, sport, or exercise. A few know deep down that they are fooling themselves. They lose some of their zest for life, and their relationship may become hostile, distant or ordinary and dull.

Although sex is but one component of many in a relationship, it has an effect on all the other components, like communication, conflict and feelings of connectedness. Sex is the cement connecting and balancing all the other components.

“ We’ve been married five years and I have never had an orgasm”. “With two little kids and a demanding career, I am just too tired to have sex”. “I don’t really enjoy sex; I just want to get it over with”.

This is but a few comments sexologist’s often hear in their consulting room. There are many couples who live normal lives who battle to have a healthy sex live. You may have a sexual problem or you might just want to enrich your sex life. Then this level is for you. To enrich and enhance your sex life as an important component of a healthy marriage. Completing the questionnaires and exercises will reveal many things about yourself and your partner and doing the loveplay exercises at home will bring you closer together. Couples can revive their sex lives by refocusing on each other, being more mindful and by bringing back fun, humor and laughter in their sex lives!

The good news is that sexual problems are treatable and you
can overcome them.

Make a commitment to your love life. When you do, you’ll be reaffirming your commitment to your relationship, to the discovery (or rediscovery) of your sexual self, and to the joy of loving each other.

What causes sexual problems?

If you experience any of the below mentioned sexual problems it is important to consult with a specialist in the field such as a sexologist. The treatment of sexual dysfunctions are spesialised and in most cases multi-fasceted. Any possible medical issues contributing to the problem also need to be eliminated and or treated.

Generally sexual problems are caused by a combination of some of the following factors:
• Hormonal Imbalances
• Medication
• Medical issues (Menopause, Diabetes, Cancer, Heart Disease ext)
• Oral Contraception
• Lack of knowledge and experience
• Sexual Inhibition
• Fatigue
• Conflict and relationship problems
• Boredom
• Distorted Body Image
• Performance Anxiety
• Guilt and shame
• Past Sexual Trauma

The 7 most common sexual problems:

1. Erectile Dysfuntion
Erectile dysfunction (ED) is defined as the inability to attain or maintain an erection that is strong enough for satisfactory sexual intercourse. Erectile dysfunction can be an indication of a serious cardiac incident within 3- 5 years and is therefore an important problem to address. Psychological problems can also result in erectile dysfunction, especially feelings of inadequacy and performance anxiety.

2. Delayed Ejaculation
Male orgasmic disorder involves a persistent and recurrent delay or absence of orgasm following sufficient stimulation. Some men with delayed ejaculation are unable to ejaculate at all. Male orgasmic disorder can be a lifelong condition or one that is acquired after a period of normal sexual functioning. The condition can be limited to certain situations or can occur generally. Causes might be physical conditions such as heart disease, psychological causes such as performance anxiety, relationship issues, lack of sexual confidence or because of the use of certain medications such as antidepressants.

3. Premature Ejaculation
Premature ejaculation is a common sexual complaint, whereby a man ejaculates (and typically orgasms) within one minute of penetration. It is likely to be caused by a combination of psychological factors such as guilt or anxiety, and biological factors such as hormone levels or nerve damage.

4. Lack of Interest in Sex
Low libido is a very common problem amongst both men and women, but it is often difficult to determine the cause. It is usually caused by various factors – problems from your past (like past sexual trauma), current psychological issues (depression and anxiety), chronic fatigue, boredom, relationship issues, medication, hormonal imbalances (especially low Testosterone levels) as well as medical and gynecological conditions like painful intercourse.

5. Inability to Achieve Orgasm
The absence of having orgasms in women is also referred to as anorgasmia. It can be divided into primary anorgasmia, when a woman has never experienced an orgasm, and secondary anorgasmia, when a woman who previously experienced orgasms no longer do so. 10-15% of women have never had an orgasm. Finding it difficult to switch off, psychological issues (anxiety), not feeling emotionally connected to your partner, painful sex, medication and past sexual trauma might contribute to this problem. It is also important to note that it takes on average 15 minutes or more for a woman to reach orgasm where it takes on average 4 minutes for a man. This is why foreplay is crucial.

6. Sexual Pain and Penetration Disorders
There are many sexual pain and penetration disorders in women especially and the good news is that it can be treated very sucessfully. Women might experience pain with penetration when the pelvic floor muscles involuntary go into spasm (vaginismus) for example. It is very important to seek professional help from a specialized treatment team as sexual pain is never normal and never in your head!

If you experience any of these sexual problems you should seek help from a professional and registered sexologist or health care practitioner specialising in the field. Sexual dysfunctions and problems can be treated succesfully.

Elmari specialises in the following:
  • Sexology
  • Individual Psychotherapy
  • Clinical Hypnotherapy
  • Sex therapy
  • Couples Therapy
  • Relationship/Marital Enrichment
  • Pre-marital Counselling
  • Conflict Resolution and Effective Communication Skills
  • Divorce Counselling
  • Trauma Counselling

The diagnoses and treatment of male and female sexual dysfunction, eg
  • Loss of sexual desire
  • Libido differences
  • Sexual Pain Disorders:
    Vulvadinia ext
  • Inability to reach orgasm
  • Erectile dysfunction
  • Ejaculation control and timing
  • Sexual behaviour disorders
  • General Sexual Problems
  • Sexual Enrichment